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I am sure that most of you have known someone, either disabled, elderly, or whatever that has had and used a shower or bath chair. Most of them are little curved seats that sit in the bottom of the tub or shower, and that is just what they tell you to do when your like me.

Let me tell you, it is just a bummer! The shower that my folks set up for me in the bathroom they made for me (yea, my folks are great. While I was in the hospital they remodeled a bathroom into a wheelchair friendly bathroom for me. Did I mention that they are great? You can see that bathroom in one of my videos) is a nice shower. I have a really nice shower chair they got for me. It has a backrest, is slides back and forth and locks in place. A quick plug for the place we got it from, Thrifty pharmacy and home medical in Providence, KY. Tom and the gang up there are great people. Go spend some money with them, you won’t be disappointed with the service!

Wow, I get off track easy, don’t I?

So, anyway, in my shower my folks put one of those shower head on a flex pipe thing so I can hold it in my hand while in my shower chair. Let me tell you, this makes for a totally non enjoyable shower experience! You know after a hard day, or a tough morning when it is hard to wake up, that nice hot shower wakes you up or eases away the pain in those tired muscles?

Try sitting in a chair, worried about slipping off into the floor, when you have no feet. And that’s another thing. I say I have no legs, but of course I do. Mostly I have no feet and calves. Off track again…. Argh! So, in the chair, only one hand with fingers to grip. Here is my shower experience.

Hose my body down, then set the spray head aside…

Lather up with soap….

Hose my body off, trying to get my hind in and everything else while sitting in a chair that I could slip off of…..

Pick up the nozzle again…..

Lather, rinse, repeat…..

I can’t just sit under the hot spray and let it wash my worries and else away like everybody else. When I lather and wash, no spray for me. I get cold while washing, damn it!

Well, I say can’t, but after yesterday, it’s couldn’t. The great people that did my physical therapy taught me to use and get on/off a shower chair into a TUB. We have two step in showers in the house, one of them in my bathroom, the other one in my folks bathroom. So, you know I can get around on the floor, right? Walking on my knees with knee pads, crawling on hands and knees, right?

Yea, you guessed it.!

I had a great freaking shower yesterday! I hands and knees my way into mom and dad’s shower yesterday. I couldn’t reach the shower knob, so mom had to turn on the water for me, but everything else was great! This shower is a tub length shower stall. I could stretch out and enjoy that wonderful spray. No holding the shower nozzle, no getting cold while I washed up, no worrying about falling out of a damn chair while I am trying to wash my hind end whilst sitting down.

I lay there on the floor of that shower, back leaned against the wall with all my muscles relaxed. I was as loose as a rag doll. I shampooed my hair like three freaking times! I am sure there was eye rolling in the house, as I was oohing and ahhing and singing the praises of flowing water as I lay there. Relaxed….. In a shower…. For the first time in four months!

It was in that moment, better than sex. Not as good as sex IN the shower, but you know what I mean, right?

I had to holler at mom a time or two to have her come and turn the hot water up. She would slide the door open enough to snake her hand in and turned that blessed nozzle. I sat in that shower until I ran all the hot water out of the entire house. Did I say it was great!?!?

Only one problem, though. The drain was right underneath me! I would have to check the height of the water, and upon occasion lift one leg or the other to let the water swirl down the drain….

Oh well, nothing is ever perfect!

I am going to ask dad to modify my shower so the flexy nozzle thingy can hang on the wall low, so I can sit in my shower and let the spray be at chest height!

If you can stand in your own shower (yeah, Jennifer, I am totally jealous of Clint’s catfish leg!) be thankful. Next time you step in, adjust the nozzle so it sprays away from you. Step in the spray, then out to wash. Get cold while doing it, then step back in the spray for a quick rinse than out again. You will get an idea what those who have challenges go through. And then be thankful.

If you are a challenged person, such as myself, get some one to help you out. If you have a step in shower where you live, try it. It is better than sex!

Rocky and bulwinkle reference in the title there……lol

Jodi just inspired me to write this after a FB comment she just left me. Props to her.. Reading enjoyment for you, aye?

When you live the life I now live, you have to have a sense of humor. So read on about the things I feel are hilarious about me now, and don’t you dare feel bad about laughing about poor lil ol’ handicapped me. 😀

First things first. The politically correct term for my cut extremities is “residual limbs”. Say it once or twice… Doesn’t really roll off the tongue like stumps does, does it? I am talking with my prosthetist (which, by the way I cant get to roll off of my tongue, so I call him my leg guy.. Try it out.. Leg guy is way easier, huh?) while getting fitted about the pc term. So he tells me while he was in school many moons ago they were really pushing the whole residual limb thing. A guy in his class, though, just couldn’t get it. He always said residual STUMPS… Hahahaha

Ok, so I think that is funny, anyway. Moving on.

All the goodies in our house reside atop our very tall and very nice fridge. Now, I am in a wheel chair, you dig? Now, I don’t want to name names, but someone in the house puts all the cookies, potato chips, pringles, (which are my favorite, btw) etc. Up there. Well, I won’t just name the name… But I will spell it backwards, and if you are crafty, which I know my readers are, you will figure it out. Here we go, backwards… M-O-M

Ok, no names named, right? Anyway, so there I am in the house, wanting to pop a top on my favorite snack, and they are on the top of the freaking fridge!!! The woman is just so cruel! I can see them, I just can’t reach them. So, I have this reacher thingy, and let me just say, it doesn’t grip pringles cans for nothing…. Ever been hit in the head with a pringles can? No fun. But at least I got my pringles. She is the pringles Nazi, really…. 🙂

Another thing you might think about. Flatulation (sp?). So, again I am in a chair, remember? Now at what height does that put my head, more importantly, my nose!?!? People drop air bombs and I am directly in the path of destruction! I can’t roll away fast enough, and then it tries to follow me! I experienced this several times in wal mart recently.

Hey that’s a really good price on…..

Sniff…. Sniff…… EEEEWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOO…… Roll, away… Roll away….

ARGH! It is following me to the housewares department!

Or, just rolling along and bam, right into one that is lurking behind an innocent stand of DVDs in electronics. Geez, wal mart shoppers, lay off all the high fiber and beans. Buy some gas-x, would ya?

Oh, and on the reacher thingy again… Ever try to pick up an ice cube off a new hardwood floor with one? I chased that damn cube across the floor for five minutes before I finally got it into the sink… I think I heard it softly crying “help me…. Help me… I’m melting…” serves the thing right, evading my grasp and making me feel like a fool…. Lol

Here is something you haven’t thought of. Ok, so I don’t have an index finger on my left hand anymore, right? And also, what’s left of my middle finger just tends to stick up straight if I am not thinking about it. Now, the muscles that controlled my index finger are still there, and I can flex them. So I can curl my non existent index finger up, leaving the middle one standing high and proud, and you don’t know I am flipping ya the bird! Ha! I SOOOOOOOOO love passive aggressive-ism. 😀

I am in a gun shop recently. The two women behind the counter are talking to each other. The older one is talking to the younger one like they are family. So, I ask the younger “Oh, is that you mom?”

Whoops….. Nope, it was her cousin, and not much older. I had had really put my foot in my mouth, metaphorically speaking. I kid you not, after hearing their exclamations I said without missing a beat “geez, if I had feet, I would be pulling them out of my mouth right now!”

Ask Wes, he was there. It was funny!

Recently my entire family had to go out of town for the day for a funeral. I was going to be home by myself. Mom was totally worried about me being home alone without anyone close by. Plus, what will i do to feed myself?

So they leave way early, and I don’t get up till much later. I roll into the kitchen, and low and behold, there is like three kitchen chairs pulled out, stacks of pre packaged food, chips, soda pop bottles and other things on the seats of those chairs. I just rolled my eyes and smiled. Mom made sure I had food within reach!

I have been getting around the house on knee pads recently. Well, mom and dad’s bathroom toilet stool is really low. I made my way in there, and just for fun, I thought I would see if I could go standing up on my knees. The house was empty, dad was gone running errands. So there I am, shirt pulled up and tucked under my chin, shorts pulled down below my butt cheeks like a little one learning to go and afraid he will miss and get his clothes…..(or like that one kid from south park lol)

I did it! Let me tell you, it was an emotional moment. I got done and start bawling like a baby. An angry, hungry baby. Big wracking sobs and loud wails of joy. The house was empty, I could indulge myself, right?

You know, my old man can be quiet when he wants to be…. I mean snake in the grass quiet. I am sobbing in front of their toilet, and from right behind me I hear, “son, are you all right?!?!?”

Darn it, I can’t even cry at the toilet all by myself. I really think I scared about a year out of my dad’s life when he walked through the side door of the house and heard me bawling away. I am such a mean child.

You know, I can’t remember wether or not I had my bare hind in covered when he came in to find me. O_o

Oh, hear is a quick funny. You know my blog post from yesterday, with the title being the lyrics to a great Beatles/Joe Cocker song? Well, guess what song my esteemed mother has been singing ALL MORNING? Yep, somebody has been reading my blogs…..lol

I hope that at least one moment whilst you perused this blog coffee, milk, OJ, or soda came snorting out your nose….. Serves you right for laughing at a guy wif no legs…. Hahaha

Laugh all you want, my friends…. I do. It keeps me sane!

Well aren’t y’all lucky, two blog posts in one day. LOL

I have friends, family, even near strangers tell me often I am an inspiration. Let me tell you, that can be a humbling thing. See, the things that I did and do to put myself so far along on my road to recovery are the same things I have always done.

I am the same man today that I was before that fateful nite of September twenty-ninth, 2010 when I arrived in the ER.

You see, I am stubborn, hard headed, and have a need to do things my way. I truly believe that that is a blessing God put on my soul even before I was put on His earth. But, as with any blessing, it can be twisted. That stubbornness of mine has lost me promotions, gotten me demoted and lost me relationships.

But, now, that same blessing of stubbornness has pushed me to live my life and get back on my feet. Well, whenever my feet get here. While in the coma, when I was literally on a death bed, the doctors kept telling my parents they were amazed, I was a fighter, and that was why I was still alive when I shouldn’t have been. Stubborn I am, what else can I say?

So, if my stubbornness to live is an inspiration to you, then I am glad. That is nothing more than a blessing to you from the Lord. Not from me or by me. I am just a hard headed fool.

I know people in my life that are true inspirations to me. I have some very good friends that have always inspired me. I have watched them raise a daughter into a respectful and intelligent young woman, build a business and maintain a long and loving relationship…… All while fighting a debilitating disease that affected one of them.

That is inspirational to me, and through them, from God, that is a blessing. Over the years other blessings have been sent through them to me. They were there for me during a divorce. When I have times of financial trouble, on more than one occasion, they have helped me. I don’t think they even realized how much of a help they were.

Just when I needed help the most, I might get a call from him, asking if I could do some computer work, and offering to pay. Or, I had opportunities to return blessings by throwing business his way, and got paid commission, even when I tried to refuse it. See, those were all moments of blessings to me in time of need, and they had no idea.

Through all those times, even though they are deeply religious, and strong in their faith, never once did they push God, faith, bible or scripture on me. I think maybe the realize even though I might have the occasion of foul mouth, can be a tad bit randy, and don’t often discuss faith, they know I have it. The road I walk with God is a different road than theirs, but both our roads are headed to the same place.

My faith and belief is simple. Be a good man like I was raised to be, be a good father, be as kind as I can to others, and known we have a God and Father that loves us. I also believe that like any good parent, our Father in Heaven is going to nudge us in the right direction, but is also going to let us make our own mistakes and learn from them.

Conversely, I don’t believe that everything we call or see as blessings are actually blessings from God. I truly believe God let’s us do our own thing and doesn’t often interfere. If planes crash into towers, it’s not because He let it happen, it just happened. Do I think He grieved over that evil? Yea, I do. I will speak more about evil in a minute. If someone wins the lottery, is it a blessing and a miracle? No… Probably not. God loves us, but just doesn’t often interfere. That is my belief.

Now to evil. I truly believe that there is an active evil on this earth. If you believe in God, you, by default, must believe in the devil. Call it by whatever name, as there are many in the bible (and I will get to the bible later) to chose from. The serpent, devil, lucifer…..whatever. If you are a “Christian” than you must believe. Don’t get me wrong, I am no supporter, I try to be constantly on guard against it. Honestly, there are people out there that have no faith in God, but abhor evil. By Christian standards that is almost oxymoronic. But it is true.

Now to the bible. As a said earlier, my friend never pushed at me with the bible or scripture, unless I brought it up. I have had so many people email me, tell me on the phone, message me and facebook me with scripture, telling me those words will get me through my tough times. For me, they don’t. The thing that will get me through God already gave me. My stubborn determination.

Why does scripture not help me? Well, he must have never read it! Oh trust me, I was raised catholic, and still retain many of those core values. When I do read the bible it is the catholic edition, and it has a few more books in it than the KJV, if I remember correctly. Most of the books of the new testament were written only as early as sixty years after the death of Jesus Christ. The bible itself was compiled around three hundred years after His death, and that group was led by a politician who wasn’t even yet converted to christian faith.

Now, I know, I have heard this to many times before, those men were inspired by God, right? If that is your belief, that is ok, but as I wrote earlier, God let’s us do as we will, and that is my belief. There were books written by women, but not included. Why? The men of that time had little respect in the traditional sense for them. Why would the book of Mary not have been included, when she was nearly as much an apostle as the men?She did write one, by the way, google it, the surviving text has been translated and is free to download. I have, and i have read it.

Regardless, the bible we know today is still not that one compiled seventeen hundred years ago. Revisions by the early catholic church and then the whole thing that brought the KJV into existence are just a few examples. Also, think about this. The bible translations were originally done by monks. Many barely literate, sitting in cramped quarters translating by tallow wick candles. I’m not talking about two hundred years ago monks. Were talking a thousand year ago monks!

Here is an example I that comes to mind. I wish I had the ability to draw in my blog, it would make things so much easier!

It is hard for a rich man to get to heaven. I say again, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than to enter the Kingdom of Heaven….

We have all heard this, right? Camel through the eye of the needle. Reference to the name of a gate? No. While the spade shaped gates were made to just barely let camel and rider into a city, and not anyone else slipping by unseen on the other side of the camel, like a thief or criminal, or whatever. But there is no gate by that name in Jerusalem.

Now, think back to this, monks and tallow candle doing translations, and bear with me. The symbol for camel and the symbol for rope in the original scrolls is so similar that it oft times can make one mistaken for the other. So for instance:

Camel = “Ieeeeeieee”
Rope. = “leeeeieee”

See what I mean? Now it is easier for rope to go through the eye of a sewing needle than for a rich man to get to heaven.

Monk translations, by candle light, of scrolls hundreds of years old already.

Anyway, I am getting off point, here, and I apologize. The point is, scripture that brings you peace and gets you through just does not work for me. It doesn’t mean I don’t ever read the bible, it just means that I read when I feel like I need to, or am called to, if you like that wording better.

God gave me courage, strength, family and friends to get me through, as well as a watchful guard against evil.

Now having gone way off target from where I expected this blog to go, :), please let me say this. I am glad that I inspire some of you, I am humble and honored. I hope I haven’t offended anyone with my soap box ramblings. And I certainly hope I won’t have an inbox full of people telling me I am wrong.

Remember, this is my road to walk, and I will walk it my stubborn and determined way, so please respect that. I mean really, I have to walk it on prosthetic legs, give me some latitude here…LOL

With respect,

Neil

A little help from my friends……. You know, that is what really keeps me going, and that is what this blog post is all about. A shout out to friends, and family.

When I was sent to Jasper, IN for work, I knew nobody. I was living in Henderson not knowing a soul. I got to know a few people who worked in our Evansville office. They befriended me.

When I was forced to go to Evansville and leave Jasper, as I had to go fix some stuff in that office I already had a friend or two. Tara, bless her wild hearted soul, was great to hang out with, and Jenny Jenny, at the time, one of my new techs working for me was friendly. One of the only techs that was. I had a well deserved reputation as a hard nosed, by the book asshole, and honestly, I was.

As I progressed in that office, I made some real friends. Jenny and her husband Bob, Tara, of course, Raye-Raye and her then husband Damon, and Kim-Bro. By allowing me into their world, I met other great people.

Raye has a great family. Her sisters, (and yea ladies, your all lovely and hot-tot-tot-tot—tot.. Lol) and her niece, Christie. All of these are still lasting friendships to this day. They were all so good to me. My son now has lasting friendships with Christie’s kids, and for that I am doubly thankful.

Jenny as well, let me into her family world. Her mom, Jaye, had worked at TMX, so I knew her, but she became a real friend when her daughter accepted me into their tight, loving group. Her hubby Mike, is a great guy. Hard guy to understand, but i think if I told him right now I needed him to come down here and help me, he would. He’ll, I was honored when I got invited to his bachelor party…. (help me out here, I am pretty certain that was the bachelor party!) We hit golf balls into the Ohio, trying to hit the coal barges as they passed. Mine barely made it into the water, Mike was smacking the balls so far I think they had headaches!

Through Jaye’s clan of kids I got to meet her son and his wife, her other daughter Amy and her hubby, and Ash and Curtis, friends of the clan. They all accepted me. When parties were on I was always invited, when motorcycle rides were on, they made sure I was always aware…. When I had one to many Raye, Jaye or somebody always made sure I had a place to stay and a safe ride there.

Sunday golf outings with Damon were always great, even if Bob always found a way out of going, haha. All the time I spent on the weekends over at Christie and Kim-Bro’s (I spell it that way ’cause I can’t spell his last name, and that is how it is pronounced lol) my kids hanging with their’s…. They were a blessing, as well. I still consider Kim-Bro one of my best friends, and we traveled all over three or four states on our two wheeled adventures.

Also, my lasting and loving friend ship with fellow employee Kristal, flourished while I was at Evansville office. I cherish that friendship, as well.

I am sure I have missed a few names that should have come to mind, and I apologize if I missed someone, I have met so many great people out of my Indiana experiences. See! Angle and her husband, from Jasper office welcomed me into their home for one weekend of great conversation, drinks and good times! Oh, and I cannot forget a crotchety ol’ Texan name of Cary Nelson. That man believed in me, trusted me to do the job for him, gave me more advice and direction on how to manage people and deal with the job…… And he makes one he’ll of a good Texas mesquite smoked brisket!

To tell you about friends….. After being in a coma for two and a half weeks, tubes in me everywhere, keeping me alive, my first real memory is of seeing Jenny, Kim-Bro, and my son. (my “shovel face” memory) I am sure other friends were there, but I can’t remember, I was SOOOOOOOOO hopped up on drugs you would not believe! Also, I want to take a moment to say a thank you to my kiddo’s mother. She came to visit as well, bringing my boy. She took time away from her family and their needs to make sure Tyler was there. She also gave my mother hope, when they thought I might come out of the coma with brain damage, I thank her for that.

Jenny and Bob travelled far to visit me in the hospital, and also at the house,you guys are always welcome, your part of the family now! Ash, you need to know that when you and Jenny came down for that photo shoot, you both were a huge blessing. My Grandmother passed away recently, and those photos are lasting memories of the great matriarch of our family. Those were the last family portraits taken of us all together, as far as I know.

Then there is my friend Shanna, I have known her since we were both fourteen. She is a nurse, and slipped in one night to my room to talk to me after she got off her work shift. Oh, just for a laugh, and so you know, Shanna, my memory of that goes like this, because of the drugs I was on. We were on a desert plain, at night. Stars above our heads as I lay in a bed surrounded by sand. Away in the distance there was a hospital room door standing out of place all by itself on the plain, light leaking in from under the door. Oh trust me, I have lots of screwed up memories! Those coma drugs were he’ll on earth. One day I will write about the real seeming life I lead inside my mind, but I am not ready for that yet.

I have lots of great friends back home. Farrah and JP, Andy and Sarah, my folks, my brother and sister-in-law Kyle and Kim, my brother Wes and all the gang at the VFW. The gang at the V has held fund raisers for me, and some even visited me while I was in recovery from surgery in Louisville. I was surprised as all get out when Brooks and Jerry came stepping into my room, telling me stories to give hope, and just letting me see some familiar faces when I was far from home.

I know I have forgotten to name some names, and I apologize for that, but know I appreciate all my friends and all you have done for me. I hope all of you continue to stick by me as I walk this road fate has given me.

Thank you all!

N