Jodi just inspired me to write this after a FB comment she just left me. Props to her.. Reading enjoyment for you, aye?
When you live the life I now live, you have to have a sense of humor. So read on about the things I feel are hilarious about me now, and don’t you dare feel bad about laughing about poor lil ol’ handicapped me. 😀
First things first. The politically correct term for my cut extremities is “residual limbs”. Say it once or twice… Doesn’t really roll off the tongue like stumps does, does it? I am talking with my prosthetist (which, by the way I cant get to roll off of my tongue, so I call him my leg guy.. Try it out.. Leg guy is way easier, huh?) while getting fitted about the pc term. So he tells me while he was in school many moons ago they were really pushing the whole residual limb thing. A guy in his class, though, just couldn’t get it. He always said residual STUMPS… Hahahaha
Ok, so I think that is funny, anyway. Moving on.
All the goodies in our house reside atop our very tall and very nice fridge. Now, I am in a wheel chair, you dig? Now, I don’t want to name names, but someone in the house puts all the cookies, potato chips, pringles, (which are my favorite, btw) etc. Up there. Well, I won’t just name the name… But I will spell it backwards, and if you are crafty, which I know my readers are, you will figure it out. Here we go, backwards… M-O-M
Ok, no names named, right? Anyway, so there I am in the house, wanting to pop a top on my favorite snack, and they are on the top of the freaking fridge!!! The woman is just so cruel! I can see them, I just can’t reach them. So, I have this reacher thingy, and let me just say, it doesn’t grip pringles cans for nothing…. Ever been hit in the head with a pringles can? No fun. But at least I got my pringles. She is the pringles Nazi, really…. 🙂
Another thing you might think about. Flatulation (sp?). So, again I am in a chair, remember? Now at what height does that put my head, more importantly, my nose!?!? People drop air bombs and I am directly in the path of destruction! I can’t roll away fast enough, and then it tries to follow me! I experienced this several times in wal mart recently.
Hey that’s a really good price on…..
Sniff…. Sniff…… EEEEWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOO…… Roll, away… Roll away….
ARGH! It is following me to the housewares department!
Or, just rolling along and bam, right into one that is lurking behind an innocent stand of DVDs in electronics. Geez, wal mart shoppers, lay off all the high fiber and beans. Buy some gas-x, would ya?
Oh, and on the reacher thingy again… Ever try to pick up an ice cube off a new hardwood floor with one? I chased that damn cube across the floor for five minutes before I finally got it into the sink… I think I heard it softly crying “help me…. Help me… I’m melting…” serves the thing right, evading my grasp and making me feel like a fool…. Lol
Here is something you haven’t thought of. Ok, so I don’t have an index finger on my left hand anymore, right? And also, what’s left of my middle finger just tends to stick up straight if I am not thinking about it. Now, the muscles that controlled my index finger are still there, and I can flex them. So I can curl my non existent index finger up, leaving the middle one standing high and proud, and you don’t know I am flipping ya the bird! Ha! I SOOOOOOOOO love passive aggressive-ism. 😀
I am in a gun shop recently. The two women behind the counter are talking to each other. The older one is talking to the younger one like they are family. So, I ask the younger “Oh, is that you mom?”
Whoops….. Nope, it was her cousin, and not much older. I had had really put my foot in my mouth, metaphorically speaking. I kid you not, after hearing their exclamations I said without missing a beat “geez, if I had feet, I would be pulling them out of my mouth right now!”
Ask Wes, he was there. It was funny!
Recently my entire family had to go out of town for the day for a funeral. I was going to be home by myself. Mom was totally worried about me being home alone without anyone close by. Plus, what will i do to feed myself?
So they leave way early, and I don’t get up till much later. I roll into the kitchen, and low and behold, there is like three kitchen chairs pulled out, stacks of pre packaged food, chips, soda pop bottles and other things on the seats of those chairs. I just rolled my eyes and smiled. Mom made sure I had food within reach!
I have been getting around the house on knee pads recently. Well, mom and dad’s bathroom toilet stool is really low. I made my way in there, and just for fun, I thought I would see if I could go standing up on my knees. The house was empty, dad was gone running errands. So there I am, shirt pulled up and tucked under my chin, shorts pulled down below my butt cheeks like a little one learning to go and afraid he will miss and get his clothes…..(or like that one kid from south park lol)
I did it! Let me tell you, it was an emotional moment. I got done and start bawling like a baby. An angry, hungry baby. Big wracking sobs and loud wails of joy. The house was empty, I could indulge myself, right?
You know, my old man can be quiet when he wants to be…. I mean snake in the grass quiet. I am sobbing in front of their toilet, and from right behind me I hear, “son, are you all right?!?!?”
Darn it, I can’t even cry at the toilet all by myself. I really think I scared about a year out of my dad’s life when he walked through the side door of the house and heard me bawling away. I am such a mean child.
You know, I can’t remember wether or not I had my bare hind in covered when he came in to find me. O_o
Oh, hear is a quick funny. You know my blog post from yesterday, with the title being the lyrics to a great Beatles/Joe Cocker song? Well, guess what song my esteemed mother has been singing ALL MORNING? Yep, somebody has been reading my blogs…..lol
I hope that at least one moment whilst you perused this blog coffee, milk, OJ, or soda came snorting out your nose….. Serves you right for laughing at a guy wif no legs…. Hahaha
Laugh all you want, my friends…. I do. It keeps me sane!