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I am Humbled

Yes, you heard me… Humbled. Right it down, mark it on a calendar. Anyone who knows me well will tell you, I have an ego as big as a Mac truck, I don’t think I am ever wrong, and HUMBLE is not a word oft used to describe me.

But, I am.

This Saturday there is a benefit being held for me. There is a poker run, BBQ plate sales, auction and a Karaoke dance afterwards. I couldn’t begin to tell you how many donations have already been made for this event, and how many people have already volunteered their time.

Barnes and Nobles has donated things, local coal mines have donated, private individuals have donated… Cooking, preparing, auction items, services, printing needed forms, running, gophering, phone calls, donating space, donating time, volunteering as poker run dealers…. The list goes on and on.

Humbled, I tell ya. I can’t even begin to express my gratitude. I would say I am speechless, but c’mon, this is me. Thank you, everyone, for all your help.

I am doing my best to put it to good use. I am not exaggerating when I say that the total cost of my illness is close to half a million dollars. ICU, hospital stays, prosthetic legs (and hopefully fingers), rehab, operations, operations and more operations. Not to mention travel expenses.

My insurance covered a lot, but my cut is still quite substantial. I am not working right now, and social security disability has yet to start. I am like everyone else, I have bills to pay besides all that has occurred because of my illness.

You guys have helped me keep from losing everything. And again, I thank you…

Last week or two has been somewhat trying for me. I make strides in my progress, then I have to take a few days off. That is frustrating. Over the weekend I went to a turkey shoot at Rooster Run Lodge, then spent the rest of the afternoon at the local gun club with my brother and son.

I got to break out my sidearms and rifles and put quite a few rounds downrange. I have a 10-22 rifle with a “Dragunov” stock on it. Basically, a pistol grip stock with an open butt end. I was very pleased to find that I can still use what is left of my dominate hand to hold, aim and fire my rifle. My left middle finger has just enough there to do the job!

Now, with my pistol, I had to shoot right handed, which is a bummer. My groupings with my 9mm short, quite frankly, sucked. I banged my thumb remnant a few times with the slide action before I got a good feel for my modified hand position. OUCH!

I also did a lot of walking this past weekend. Inside the house I can, for the most part, walk unaided for short distances. My son and I walked down the hill to my house to check on my motorcycle. I had to use hand crutches outside, of course, and walking on inclines is tough when your ankles don’t bend!

We made it down there, though. My bike seems to be all in one piece, and it was a site for sore eyes! She is a pretty thing, and it breaks my heart that I will no longer be able to ride my ‘Zuki. The foot pegs are just too far back, and it is just too top heavy for me. Oh, well, cruiser bike with forward controls, here I come….

Anyway, all that walking got to me. Just like buying a new pair of shoes, there is a certain amount of break in time needed for walking with prosthetics. My residual limbs need time to build up tolerance, and overdoing it causes rub spots that can be painful.

Well, I overdid it. For the past few days now I have had to stay off of my legs to let them heal up. I want to be able to walk some on Saturday at the benefit, so I have to take a break to heal. But I WILL be there Saturday, and I WILL walk. I promise you that.

So, hope to see you all out there.. It will be so nice to get to hang out with my friends!

Oh, and don’t worry, I wont stay humble for long… This is me, after all! 😉

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Socket List

On my very last day at Louisville, way back when I had just had surgery and I thought my life was over, I was told something about percentages.

I was told that after I was back up on my feet my life would by no means be over. In fact, 98% of the things I had done before I would still be able to do.

Wow, 98% sounds like a pretty good number, doe it not? Well, at least until you think about that last little 2%. See, what they just don’t understand is, 2% is a big number for me. There are a lot of things I have done in my life, lots of adventures, lots of exciting things.

Were those great times and exciting adventures going to be in that 2%?

I don’t know, not yet.

I am sure by now everyone knows what a bucket list is. I heard that movie was great, but I haven’t gotten around to watching it yet. Bucket list. Almost a scary thing. The list of things you want to do before you kick the bucket.

I don’t have much of a bucket list. Like I said.. Lots of good times, lots of adventures… So not much in my bucket.

On my prosthesis there is a very important component called a socket. A socket is custom molded to my residual limbs, and is the thing that lets me stand on my new legs….

So I have a “Socket List.”

I have a list of things I want to do AGAIN in my life, once I am back on my feet. This is where that 2% really comes into play… Are the things I am about to list for you in that 2%?

I hope not….

My Socket List:

1. Fire/EMS

A long time ago I got a wild hair and started volunteering for my local fire department. Providence Fire/EMS is a paid department, but accepts the help of volunteers. I can remember when I first started, they would put me in full turnout gear and make me run around the the the building the station is housed in.

I don’t know what was tougher, the running, or the sniggers from the guys as they watched me sweat my ass off! I did a lot of training in the beginning, and it always seemed to involve sweating on my part 🙂

Being on a fire department can be a lot of work. Fighting fires is not glamourous stuff. It is labour intensive, and is dangerous. But I stuck with it. When the siren went off, or the phone rang, I was there. Believe me, I wasn’t the best fire fighter in the world, but I tried. I am sure I frustrated some of the guys when I screwed up, but they put up with me because I was dependable, I always showed up to help.

Eventually, the department sent me to First Responder school, so I could work on the ambulance as a volunteer. I don’t think this was done often, but again, I always showed up.

On night, there was a fully involved structure fire on Cedar st here in Providence. I ended up on the roof with a pike-pole tearing off roofing. On the ground there was a paid man from the department hollering up, asking if I needed anything.

I thought it a bit humorous that the volunteer was on the roof, while the paid man was on the ground asking if he needed anything. Talk about role reversal! After the fire got under control and I was back on the ground the Asst Chief pulled me aside. Walking down the street a bit away from the fire ground the Asst Chief told me the decision had been made to bring me on as a paid man part time.

I was blown away.

I could go on and on about the time in years I spent serving the citizens of this community on that fire department, but I think you get the picture. I made a lot of friends on the department, I am quite certain I irritated the hell out of some of the guys because I always come across as a “know it all,” and I know I goofed up sometimes. For the irritations, I apologize. I hope all the men down there know I always tried to do my best, and I always tried to help.

My career as a weekend and part time paid man ended when the new mayor was elected. My mother ran against him on the ballot, and he won. The last shift I went in to work on was on Christmas Eve. I was going to work an overnight so one of the full time guys could go home to be with his family.

Another person was found to work that shift, and I was never told. I showed up to work, but was sent home. Could be that it is coincidence that I was pulled off that shift after the new mayor was elected. I was never called in for another shift, and I just faded away from the department. No matter the ending, I was proud to work at that department, and serve my community. I was there for the tornado, and like most every other man there I worked a nearly forty hour straight nightmare. I would do it all again, because it was worth it.

So, that is one of the things on my socket list. Get back on a fire department and at the least volunteer. I don’t care if all I do is hump hose and clean up, I want to serve again! I don’t know if P-Town FD would have me, but hopefully some department will.

2. Search and Rescue

Two of the friends I made at PFD was Lee Jenkins and Monty Hardman. I am still good friends with lee to this day, he comes and visits me on his Harley fairly often. Monty pulled up stakes and moved away on us.

Those two got me into search and rescue work. It didn’t take much arm twisting to get me to join the Webster County Rescue Squad. I had more fun with those guys than you could ever imagine. We did high angle rope rescue, wilderness SAR and water rescue.

On my time on the squad we did several searches on land and on the water. Lee and Monty pushed me forward to get many rescue certifications. Because of those guys I am state trained and hold certificates in High Angle and BSAR rescue. I was eventually made an Asst Chief of the squad over high angle rescue.

So, on my socket list you can add being part of a SAR team again.

3. Rappelling

One of the things I did a lot of on WCRS was rappel. Every chance I got I was on the side of a tower on a rope. I loved it! I bought all my own gear so the county wouldn’t have to, and I still have it.

Once, Lee and I got the opportunity to train the KY Dept of Corrections CERT team. This is basically the state prison system’s SWAT team. We had a great time over three days hanging off the side of a military base’s training tower, watching as burly prison guards squealed like little girls as they broke over that tower on a rope!

This is something I truly loved to do. So we can add this to my socket list as well. I want to rappel again!

4. Motorcycle Riding

Sitting in a living room of an empty house is my Zuki. If you know me at all, you know I love that bike! I have spent many a weekend burning up the backroads and highways of KY and all it’s surrounding states with my friends. Jenny and Bob, Jim Durnil, Eric Kim-Bro and all the rest I have ridden with.

Kim-bro and I have traveled all over on our bikes. Hell, he sold me my Zuki to begin with and got me back into riding!

I know I can’t ride my Zuki. My knees just don’t bend enough to be comfortable on the foot pegs. Plus, it’s a rocket, I lost my legs already, I don’t want to push my luck!

I think I could ride a cruiser, though. I already have one picked out. So add that to my socket list. I want to freaking ride again!

5. Driving

Many wheel chair bound people still drive. With the use of an automatic transmission and hand controls it is very doable. But, I have a problem..

My little truck that I love dearly is 4×4 mountain goat… With a stick shift!

I have never gotten the thing hung up, it is pretty as a peach, and it is damn near paid for! It is nothing to find a spot and dive off the road and push that 4 high button.. Yea, push button 4×4!

So this one is very simple. I want to drive again… I want to drive MY TRUCK again…

All of these are just a drop in the bucket…ummm… socket…. of the things I want to do again. I cant list everything, but these are some of the things that are more important to me..

Are they in the 98%… or the 2%?

I don’t know, but I am sure as hell going to find out. you just watch me!

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Been a while…

Well, it has been a bit since my last blog. I guess you could say I have been laying low.. Honestly, I have been recovering from my time in rehab. They worked me very hard. They crammed 21 days worth of training into 10 days.

Yea, I needed a break. Also, honestly, I have been a bit down. Not in a bad way, mind you, just…. frustrated.

My prosthetist has told me time and again not to expect to be running marathons, but I am stubborn and hard headed. I want to be so much farther along than I am! I know, don’t say it. I do realize I need to be realistic. It wont come all at once. I am making good progress, and fast progress.

I have had some minor setbacks, I had to heal from the over working of rehab, so had to take nearly a week off from wearing my legs per my leg guru’s orders. My right leg is much shorter than the left, and cant take as much of a beating as the left, and it got really sore. Also, my right hand, arm and shoulder tend to compensate for the weaker right leg, and all of the above mentioned body parts were sore and in need of a rest.

This past Saturday was the go ahead day I was given for getting back up on my legs. My son, brother and myself went to Evansville to do some shoe shopping for my son. I was on my feet all morning before we left, walked into the shoe store, sat down and then walked out again when he found his new shoes.

I then walked into Olive Garden, had a meal and walked back out again to the car. In case your curious, I had the Portobello Mushroom Ravioli, ummm… ummm… good!

Just doing this stuff wore me out so bad I had to use my wheel chair to get back in the house! So, Sunday I took a day off from walking and jumped back in on Monday. Other than my morning bathroom run and getting in/out of the shower, I spent ALL DAY on my legs! Back and forth through the house, walking outside, going to Madisonville to pick up the kiddo from school and then going back o drop him off at his Mom’s house later.

No, I didn’t drive! O_o

Afterwards I went to Salonworks with my mother to get a hair cut. I walked in there, then back out again. When we got home it took all I had to get up the steps and into the house, but I did it!

Essentially an entire day on my legs! Today, of course, I am going to be taking it easy. Besides, I just bought the latest episode of Justified and season 2 of Carnivale from itunes. I am gonna spend a lazy day watching stuff on the ol’ iPad. And also, maybe write a blog or two!

That’s right, two. this is number one, just a catch up with how I am doing, and number two will be a hopefully long ramble about this concept in my head I have named the “Socket List.”

Come join me a bit later to read more!

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Home again…

Well, today is Sunday. This is my second morning home from Frazier Rehab. I have to tell you, it is good to be home again. I haven’t done a whole lot walking-wise since I have been back, as the doctors and therapists all told me to take a few day long break.

While at rehab, they worked me to death! We had a limited amount of time and a maximum amount of training to go through. I woke up every morning at rehab sore and hurting, and ended every day going to bed early. I am sure you could see the fatigue in my face on my video blogs!

so, the couple of days break was called for! I have sore and stretched tendons in my right hand, and it hurts like a beast at the moment. I had this while in rehab, but copious amounts of pain meds kept the worst at bay. There is no taking a day off because you hurt at Frazier!

My right knee also hurts, as it got really overworked. Most afternoons I would spend my OT time working on loosening up my left hand and practicing picking up smaller and smaller objects. I just couldn’t do two walking therapies in the afternoon, I hurt too much for that. So, OT was for my hand, and PT was for walking.

My right hand and wrist are hurting a bit at this very moment as I am typing. Pain meds are starting to dull the ache, so I am OK for the moment. Speaking of typing…

We stopped by Best Buy in Evansville on the way home. I picked up a few things I have been wanting to get, one of which is a bluetooth keyboard for my iPad. I will talk a little more about the other things I got in a bit. This keyboard is awesome! It is, of course, an Apple keyboard. There is a keyboard dock that is made just for the iPad, and I agonized over which to get of several good iPad compatible keyboards.

I settled on this one over the others because it runs on its own battery supply. The iPad specific keyboard looks much the same as this one, but it runs off the battery power of the iPad itself. The iPad keyboard also limits the iPad to portrait style viewing only, and I like to use my iPad in landscape mode. Also, I already have a very nice leather binder/holder thing my folks got for me for Christmas, and it holds up my iPad at just the right viewing angle. It also has a long slot in the front that this keyboard happens to fit quite nicely into, leaving the whole setup quite like a laptop when in use.

This is what my keyboard looks like:

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Notice there is no key tray. The keys are set into a aluminum plate, and are spaced just a tad bit further apart than a regular keyboard’s. This makes it great for my modified typing style I use now with my left pinkie finger. The keys are also raised just a bit more than regular, which also works well with my new typing style.

Overall, I am well pleased with it. There are, however, a few kinks that take some getting used to. The iPad’s on screen keyboard auto corrects every typo, as well as magically correcting “i” into “I” for you. It also automatically capitalizes the first letter of any word after a period. My new keyboard does not do these things. i have to pay attention when i am typing a bit more. see what i mean? 😉

The benefits most certainly outweigh the detriments. The traditional “F” keys at the top run my iPod app, volume, screen brightness and a few other nifty tidbits. Not all of these F keys work, though, because this is not a true iPad specific keyboard.

Another great thing about this is that I no longer have to take extra steps to get special characters. Here is an example:

!@#$%^&*()_+

T just typed all those just by hitting the shift keys and all the number keys. To use this on the on screen keyboard, you have to tap a sequence of keys just to get to the special characters, and most of the time the on screen board jumps back to the regular keyboard after every special character. So, this wireless keyboard is the bomb diggidy for using special charters.

Last, but not least, this new keyboard has a tab button, and arrow keys. No more tapping the screen to move ahead or back to correct an error or jump to a new typing field in a website sign on screen.

Well, now that I have reviewed my new keyboard, on to other things!

I also got a home wireless adapter while at Best Buy. What this does is extend an ethernet cable to anywhere else in the house without running wire everywhere. A good example of a use for this is:

Your kid has an xBox and uses a wireless wifi adapter to get online. Your kid complains because it is not fast enough to play certain games online. You use a set of these things i got to get an ethernet cable plug in close enough to the xBox to jack directly into the router. All you do is plug these two adapters into the wall and plug ethernet cables into them then, presto, instant hardwire ethernet connection!

That example is not based on my kiddo, of course, he doesn’t complain much about anything. He is a good kid!

I also bot a bluetooth headset for my phone so I can have my good hand free from holding a phone while I am talking on it. I can use my left hand to hold the phone to my ear, but I have to basically keep the phone to my ear by applying constant pressure and keep the thing pushed up to the side of my head. So, a BT headset solves some problems for me.

On a different subject entirely…..

When I started this blog/website, I really didn’t know what I was aiming for. Maybe a place for my friends and family to keep up with my progress, for sure. A place to share my thoughts and experiences, of course. Maybe a few other things..

I want to keep this always a place for my loved ones to check in on me, but I also want to expand a bit. See, when I was in the hospital, right after my surgeries, i had no one to talk to that had been through what I have been through. In a crowded hospital I felt alone at times, because there was no one that had been where I was at.

A good example of this happened while I was in rehab. I had a great therapist that was reviewing bathroom and bathing stuff with me. I told her how I preferred to sit in the bottom of a shower to bath as opposed to sitting in a shower chair. she seemed a bit perplexed at the thought! She could not understand why I would not want to use a special chair that was made for a special needs person such as myself.

She could not get how it might be uncomfortable to sit in a freaking chair to shower! She had trained people for a long time to do things the “accepted” way that she could not fathom doing it any other way. Now, don’t think i am complaining about her, she was awesome in most everything! She was the therapist that got me started o the hand therapy that got my flexion back. 🙂

Regardless, she was not an amputee, so no matter what, she truly could not understand what it is like to be like this.

Also, while I was up at Frazier, I got to help out a new amputee. He was two floors above me, and had just had surgery for a left below knee amputation. The doctors and therapists all asked me to go talk to him. I was excited to help, let me tell you. We had only one conversation, but i got to talk to him and his wife, and show them the entire setup for my legs. I even took one off and handed it to him… lol

I wont use his name, but he does have this website address. If you read this, my friend, I want you to know it was an honor to come talk to you and ease your wife’s mind!

keeping all that in mind, I am going to start a new section here at Two Feet Shorter dedicated to just info for amputees and their family and friends. I want help from my family and friends, of course! If you would like to be a contributor to this new section as a writer, please comment below letting me know.

I want perspectives and thoughts about being a close friend or family member to an amputee. What thoughts crossed your mind, how you dealt with things. I want contributors that can and will write in such a way that friends or family of new amputees might get a little hope and comport knowing they are not the only ones feeling the things they are feeling.

I now know a few amputees myself. I have some old friends from back in the day who are married and he is a single below knee amputee. I think they will know I am pointing at them on this! (catfish leg, hint hint!) Also, my new friend I made on the tenth floor at Frazier. If you read this my friend, and would like for you or your wife to contribute, please let me know!

I also have therapists and prosthetists who occasionally read this blog, if any of you would like to contribute, please do.

I don’t want one single new amputee to have to go through the fear of the unknown. I don’t want new amputee’s family and friends feel helpless from not knowing what to do or say, or worry because they don’t know what the future might hold!

Help me, my friends and family, to help others. There can be no greater cause or goal in this world than the simple thought of helping others.

How ’bout it? Who will help? Just comment here to let me know! (Also, please make sure that comment is here, and not on my FB page! I want to keep Two feet Shorter a separate thing from FB)

Thanks all,

Neil

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A day in the life……..

So, I haven’t put up a blog post in a while, and today is a boring day, so I figure writing is a good thing to kill some time. Trust me, I have a lot of time on my hands.

First, let me get some news updates out of the way!

My legs have been approved by insurance. The problem was apparently, any expensive leg is assumed to be an electronic leg with a built in knee. I, of course still have my knees, and a bit of leg left below each.

The reason I need a rather complex and extensive setup is because of the length of my residual limbs. After I got out of the coma my Behcet’s disease flared horribly on my legs. It left large ulcerated areas on my calves. Although my legs were alive all the way down to my ankles, the ulcers required shorter RLs. They didn’t have enough good skin left to sew up, so they had to go higher with the amputations.

Bummer, right?

So, any who, my legs are expensive. My prosthetics people re submitted to my insurance, noted every single nut and bolt, grommets and pins, socket and feet. I got a letter from insurance stating that they indeed think I need this kind of prosthetic. I kid you not, the paragraph describing the legs was five lines long!

So, anyway, my legs won’t be repo’ed. Yea me….. ( honestly, I think my prosthetics people would fight forever for me on this, they are really great people!)

Now, on to a day in the life……

My morning usually begins with a cup of coffee, mostly brought in by my mother, occasionally brought in by my father. Depending on how I slept the night before, I might be up with the sun, or up a little later. I don’t have a clock in my room, there are not enough plug ins for one. Mom got me a nice clock the other day that runs on batteries, but the stupid thing doesn’t keep time!

Anyway, as I have to scrounge for my phone to see the time, I often just instead wait until I hear movement in the house. Then the morning ritual of hollering for mom and asking for coffee. I once hollered for my folks only to realize it was not yet daylight! Glad they didn’t wake up!

So, I get coffee, and then usually toast with pb&j on it. Why not get up and get it yourself, you might ask? Well, mornings are the best time for me to enjoy no sensation in my legs. The moment I climb out of bed and start moving my legs get all buzzy and tingly. Imagine being able to feel the blood flow in your veins, but the blood is carrying and pulling along tiny marbles, which are rolling and bouncing around!

Very frustrating. After coffee and toast, I usually hang out in my bed, checking emails, cruising facebook, or reading for a bit. I usually don’t put my legs on first thing, and my first outing out of bed is in my chair. When you have to go to the bathroom, the chair is much faster than a walker!

After that first outing I might come back and put on my legs, and I might also crawl back into bed. What I have done today, for instance. When the folks are home, I have more of a reason to be out in the house. Today my folks are working, and the house is empty, so the most comfortable place to be is sitting up in bed.

When I get hungry, I fix my own lunch. Usually microwaveable food, as I can’t reach the stove to cook. I have fixed only one meal since I got sick, and that was a pot of chili. My son had to bring everything to the table and put the pot on a chair so I could reach it! My mother had to cook the beef and other things, so I didn’t make everything on my own.

After lunch I might go to the living room and watch TV for a while. By this time I usually have my legs on. I have probably already had a short walk with the walker. I normally can’t sit for more than an hour or two without my knees starting to ache. I am still getting used to having the prosthetics on.

When putting on my legs, there are a lot of things involved. I have urethane liners that are nearly half an inch thick in some places. They look like this:

I have to turn them inside out, then roll them up my leg. Not a problem for some, but with not much in the finger department on my left hand, this is a chore! After I get the liners on, I have to add some spacer socks over the liners, then put on my legs. The whole process now only takes me about ten minutes, and would take less if I asked for help, which I don’t. I like to be self sufficient in some things. 🙂

After I watch some TV, I might go back to my room and hang out. When I get bored I write, such as today. I have been outlining a short story I am going to work on with a friend of mine, and that project will keep me occupied for a bit. (hint, hint, Jenny Jenny!)

I do most of my writing with my iPad. Most all of my blogs are written with a wordpress app, and I have a really good word processor app that I use for other things. The keyboard on my net book computer is uncomfortable to work with now, and I can’t seem to tap the keys properly with my left pinkie. The virtual keyboard on the iPad does very well for me, though.

I spend a lot of time surfing the web on my iPad. This thing is so convenient for lots of stuff, I rarely use my computer anymore. I do a lot of wikipedia reading, as I have always had a love for expanding knowledge. Especially my own! I have no great love for school, bit I love to read!

I am currently researching motorcycles. I love to ride, but am afraid I won’t be able to ride the one I have now. I looked into the spyder reverse trike, but I have found something better. I have found a bobber style bike that is the size of a HD Sportster. It has a smaller displacement motor, so it has a very low center of gravity and is very light. It has a dry weight of less than three hundred pounds, so I think I will be able to handle it without wrecking or laying it over!

Speaking of wrecking, that put me on a search for something else. See, I had a very scary thought. What if I get into a car wreck? In my time in fire/rescue service, I have seen plenty of accidents involving dash board movement. You would be surprised how many times someone has been able to get their legs out from under a dash by wiggling their feet around and squirming out.

I won’t be able to wiggle my feet if I get into a wreck! What if I get into an accident and my prosthetic legs get trapped, in turn trapping me? I went looking for a solution. There are plenty of personal rescue tools out there. I wanted something that would be more tailored to my needs. This is what I found:

If I have on pants, I won’t be able to take off my prosthetics! I have to roll down the rubber and spandex to release the vacuum pressure, and that is impossible with long pants on. This tool would go straight through my pants with a the zipper hook, and also through the rubber vacuum liner. It could also cut through a seat belt.

I could free myself if need be with this if I needed to. Also, it is just a really cool knife. I have always been a pocket knife carrier, they are great tools to have. I now don’t have as much pocket real estate as I once had. I won’t have much use for my left hand pockets, as I can’t grip much with my left hand.

The big finger hole in the middle of this tool is a blessing as well. It assures me a firm grip with my non dominate hand. It comes with a locking belt sheath that rides parallel with the belt. No pocket required. Also, did I mention it was cool? 😉

There is not a fire/rescue operator out there that doesn’t have a million tools, flashlights and knives. We see cool stuff like that and convince ourselves we need that! Whatever “that” may be at the time. 🙄 FedEx says it is out on a truck for delivery today! :mrgreen:

Wow, that was the mother load of all getting of track, wasn’t it? Back to my average day…

By the time my folks get home, I am ready for dinner. I usually do a little more walking after dinner and then hang out with the parental units. We have a center island with bar stool high chairs, and I can sit on those now with my legs on.

Afterwards it might be TV watching or off to my room, as I have an xbox 360 and television there, as well. Sometimes I play games, but I mostly use it to watch movies or listen to music. The last.fm blues and jazz channel is one of my faves. My xbox ID is Smoakeater, add me if you want. I play a mean game of modern warfare, even with only one good hand!

When I finally bed down for the night the prosthetics come off. They are uncomfortable to lay out in. I generally read until I fall asleep, that is if my legs let me. I have had plenty of nights where they kept me up all night long. It is like trying to go to sleep with someone constantly tapping you on the shoulder. Doesn’t hurt, just irritates the hell out of ya!

My legs had settled down for a long time, but lately they are bothering me. My prosthetic guru tells me my nerves are regenerating, and looking for places to connect, and the feeling will fade over time. I hope so!

So, if I get to sleep, I start the process all over again in the morning…..

And that is a day in the life…….

My life 😉

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Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends….

……….We’re so glad you could attend..come inside….. Come inside….

Karnevil 9. Sometimes it feels apropos to me, and is a really good song by Emerson, Lake and Palmer.

Why apropos, you may ask? Because when I blog, I blog about the good things in my head, mostly. I don’t much give you a glimpse into the bad things knocking around in the ol’ noggin. That is counter productive to my recovery, and no fun reading for you.

But, lately, I have had thoughts I can not ignore. Now, before I go any further, I want you to know this post is not a finger pointing session, or a gripe session. This is simply me expressing some of my thoughts.

I recently had a conversation with an old friend. When I was in the hospital he came to visit me. I remember the visit, and some of the conversation. I was still riding the effects of coma drugs like a bucking bronco, so I was loopy. I said some weird things, I know. I was in real bad physical shape, as well.

My old friend told me in our conversation he never came back to visit again because he couldn’t stand to see me like I was. I totally understand. But, he did come to visit once, and I am so glad for that.

That recent conversation got me thinking a bit deeper. You know, none of us like going to funerals, for a lot of reasons. We don’t like to see the pain of our friends or loved ones who survive the loss. We don’t want to say that final farewell. For me, and I am sure a lot of you if you cared to admit it, it is also the thought some day that might be me, or one of my loved ones that wake is being thrown for.

I wonder if that is the same premise behind the reason I don’t get many visitors. Is the thought of seeing me, legs gone and hand a mess, too much of a reminder of man’s frailty and mortality?

I have long since discovered that the looks I can get out in public are not just pity. When I catch someone staring at me and see guilt on their face, I understand. We all feel a certain amount of guilt when we think “I am so glad that ain’t me sitting in that wheelchair.” I personally have felt that guilt. While I was in the hospital in Madisonville, I was told of a poor young woman who had her legs and BOTH hands amputated. I felt so guilty thinking I was glad I still had what I had.

So, I know what it is like to have that “glad it ain’t me” feeling, as well.

Still, I know what I am now is hard to think about for some. I myself sometimes, in darker moments in my head, think of myself as a carnival side show attraction. “Come one, come all! Come see the bearded lady! Come see the two headed cow! Come see the legless man!”

It isn’t pretty, but not all my thoughts are. Do I remind people of their own mortality? Do I make them feel guilty for being glad it isn’t them in my chair? I wonder. I really do.

This whole situation has changed my view on life, and has had lots of new thoughts floating in the morass of my mind.

Case in point: romantic relationships. It is going to be harder for me to find one, with the way I am now. Wait! I know what you are going to say. There is some one out there for me, right? Consider this and flip it over in your own mind to ponder. If you had the option of two different people to date, both having similar qualities, but one happened to have no legs and only one good hand……. Don’t lie to yourself, or me. You know that would make a difference.

Imagine spending the rest of your life with someone with my disabilities. On bad days you would have to prepare and bring meals in bed. Empty bedside urinals. Possibly help with a bed pan. As time progressed and that person aged, using prosthetic legs would become harder, and a wheelchair would be the only option. Imagine being in your later years and helping that person to just go to the bathroom. Lugging that chair around and dragging it in and out of the car for out of the house trips. Pushing that chair around.

Be honest. Don’t lie to yourself. This is what might eventually happen to some woman that got into a relationship with me. That is commitment that most people don’t have anymore. I have seen marriages fall apart over snoring. Really……

I am getting a little off point, here, aren’t I?

I have to tell you, since I have been home I have been amazed at the people who have came to visit me. Of course, my good friends from Evansville come to see me often on their way to the lakes. But the others….

The others that have come to visit, they were the ones that never once made a promise to come visit. They just stopped by. And I was so glad for the company, let me tell you. But I was mostly glad to know that things hadn’t changed. They thought they could just stop on by without a call ahead, because I was the same person I have always been.

Yea, I am different in a physical sense, but I am still the same person, mostly, inside my head. Now, here is the part where I really want to emphasize again that this is not meant as a guilt trip post. Because it is not. I promised myself I would be honest with myself, and you, my readers when I started this blog. That is all this next part is.

So, don’t be guilty as you read ahead, I am not pointing fingers.

Everybody is great over on my facebook page. I get well wishes and comments all the time. I get PMs and emails as well. All upbeat, all happy. These things are so easy. I don’t see any faces when I read emails. I don’t see any pity in the PMs. It is all so personal and impersonal all at the same time.

I have had so many of my friends tell me they are going to stop by to say hello, but never have. I am ok with that. I understand. There is work, there are family obligations. Weekends are meant for catching up on chores not done during the week, and spending time with your family.

I understand. The thought of seeing me is great, and telling me is even better. I understand as well that the thought of seeing me in a chair, or with prosthetic legs may just be more than you can handle. What would you say? What if I caught you staring at my hand? Would I be offended? Would seeing me remind you of your own mortality? Would you feel guilty for being whole while I sat there now incomplete?

The answer to most of those questions would be yes, save one. No, I would not be offended. You would be surprised at what it takes to offend me anymore. I have learned to be very humble since this has happened to me.

But anyway, yes. I understand. I know deep down inside some might see me as that carnival attraction. In the carnival, you don’t have to feel guilt. You can let those feelings of amazement, and possibly horror, cross your face. In the carnival all bets are off. Anything goes and you can stare away at the things you wouldn’t in any other situation.

You don’t have to feel guilty about being normal and whole at the carnival.

Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends, were so glad you could attend….

Come inside, come inside…..

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Fairly normal post ;)

Ok, so, we all know it has been a big day for me. I am tired and now stretched out in bed and relaxing. The folks have gone to take the kiddo home and I have some Norah Jones cooing softly from the iPad.

Yeah, I like Norah, get over it!

Any who, so, quiet house, relaxing tunes…. Time for a book!

I thought I might tell you about some of my favorite reads and authors, if you are inclined to know. If not, sorry Charlie!

My folks put books in my hand from a very early age. One of the first books I ever remember reading was Stephen King’s The Shining. Mom, of course, had gone through and read it first, and blacked out all the bad words! I have honestly have read very few of Mr Kings’s novels. I am told he writes an awesome fantasy series, but I just have never gotten into it. I did read Dreamcatcher long before it was made into a not very great movie, but the book was darn good.

I generally stick to fantasy novels. Sword and sorcery, or vampires and werewolves on Triumph motorcycles with the Sidhe and fey folk mixed in.

You can’t talk fantasy without the staples. Tolkien and Lewis. Trust me, if you have never read The Lord of the Rings, go pick the trilogy up! The movies were great, but I read those when I was like twelve or so. I am still mad Peter Jackson left out Tom Bombadil from the first movie! Here, hobbits, these swords are for you……

Yea right! Like that is how it really happened! I wonder how many people just did a google search in a new tab or window, wondering what I am talking about? I bet my buddy Pooh Bah and my brother Wes agree that Jackson is a tool for leaving out ‘ol Tom. Ok, bet you are really googling now! Don’t! Read the books, instead.

There is nothing like getting lost in a volume from Tolkien, let me tell you. Go read The Hobbit- there and back again, before the movie gets done and put in theaters, you will thank me for it.

And as for CS Lewis…. He has written some greats, as well. Narnia ring a bell? Go read it! I doubt they will make any more of those movies, so go see how that story ends. For that matter, see how the story begins! Ever wonder how that wardrobe transported them, or why there was a lamp post out in the middle of the woods? I know, and I ain’t tellin’! Go find out. Seriously, parents, those are great for kids and adults, alike. If your a Christian, you can see the Christian and Godly theme much easier in the books. Check ’em out!

Oh, wow….. Norah just started singing “Turn me on,” and man, that girl can rip one out! Kinda jazzy, kinda blues-ey, that is a great song. Makes me wanna……..

Um….. Moving on, then…..

So, for some other great classics, I would suggest Piers Anthony. He has written literally hundreds of novels, but some really pun-ney….. Um, excuse me, I mean funny.(inside joke if you have never read the Xanth series by him) The Xanth series is pretty much all kid friendly, and very fun reads. For a darker, more thought provoking, yet still fun series by him, try out The Incarnations of Immortality. Very good reads! (right, Pooh?)

Some other great sword and sorcery authors, and books, are:

Tad Williams- The Dragonbone Chair series…. I have literally read that trilogy three times! Great stuff!

George RR Martin- Song of Ice and Fire series. Great reads, but very long reads. I think HBO is doing a TV show based on them, now. Jon Snow is my favorite character in that series, with the Bastard Dwarf Prince running a close second.

Recently my younger brother turned me on to Glen Cook. He writes a series called Black Company. I just finished like a ten book series about the Black Company in about a month. Hey, I have time on my hands! What can I say?

If you like vamps and wolves, I have some good suggestions, as well. I am sure we have all seen or heard of the True Blood series on HBO, right? Great show, much better books. They are worlds apart, really. A lot of skin is shown on TV, but in the books, it is not like that. Ms Sookie does not much kiss and tell in the books by Charlaine Harris.

Let me get on a soap box for a minute….

I have started some great series in the urban fantasy genre, and then was irate that I couldn’t even finish them! Great example… The Anita Blake vampire series. First few books were good, a little randy at times, but tolerable. You get sucked in to the story, then, BAMMO!

It goes all soft core porn on you. I put the series down when the author had the main character, Anita Blake, involved in an orgy with a pack of were panthers in a back of a limo. For. Three. Chapters! Really, three chapters of it. Geez, I don’t mind a bit ‘o randy now and again, but get real.

The same author did the same thing in the Merideth Gentry series. Except the main character had her orgy in her bedroom for one chapter with a bunch of fairie men. I won’t pick up that novelist’s books anymore. Honestly.

So, off the soap box and moving on….

Roger Zelazny(RIP) did a heck of a great old school urban fantasy series, The Amber series of books. They were never fully completed, I don’t think, because of his untimely death, but wow, great stuff, nonetheless. He once wrote a novel called Bring Me the Head of Prince Charming, that was a fun read!

The author Kim Harrison does great vamp and wolf urban fantasy, and does not go all soft core porn on you. It is The Hollows series. It took her like eight books before she ever wrote a sex scene, and it was only like a page and a half. I swear! Well, at least as far as I can remember, anyway….lol (Jenny, I will try to remember to get those to you, like I said I would 🙂

So, there is a short jaunt into my long library of reading. I hope you found some gems, because they are all priceless to me!

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Limbo, pain in my butt, angry birds, and other things of little consequence

You know, when you don’t post a blog for a few days, people start wondering why….. Well, nothing much to report….

I am kind of in limbo. Floating in the aether, waiting on my legs to get here. They were shipped late in the day on Tuesday. I didn’t get a tracking number, so I don’t know what the status is. Bummer.

So, here I float, waiting, and waiting and waiting….

I got a start yesterday, when a delivery guy showed up, but he was just delivering a set of gloves I had ordered. Those of you who have ridden mountain bikes with me will probably remember my love affair with Specialized brand gloves. Thin, soft, supple, and really grippy!

Well, I ordered a new pair. I wanted to be able to stuff the fingers with pillow stuffing. You know, so it looks like my fingers are there. When you go out in public as I am, that is the first thing people look at, even before my legs. You might think wanting to hide my hand is silly, after all the things I have written about. Well, I can’t tell who has read what, and I can’t see the looks on your face when you read it.

So, your anonymous to me. The kids in the shopping carts at wal mart, though, aren’t. Their open mouth stares kinda freak me out. The looks everyone get on their face when they see my legs is pity, I can understand that. The looks of near horror at my hand, though…

Don’t get me wrong. My hand looks really good for what it is. You can hardly tell where the suture lines and surgery scars are at. Warren Briedenbach is one of the best hand plastic surgeons out there. He did a good job. My hand is all smooth skin. But still, I get the looks.

Anyway, so I wanted to fill the fingers, right? I asked mom if she had any pillow stuffing, as she is a wiz at sewing, and has all kinds of supplies. No, she didn’t think so, but would go look. There I am, sitting at my desk, cutting wire to make a shape for my non existent finger and thumb, when mom comes back and says she may have just enough to fill the fingers.

I look up, and she has a kitchen trash bag overflowing with the stuff! That bag was bigger than me… Just, enough, aye, Mom?

Any who, I got my glove done.

Ever play angry birds? I have it on my iPad. My brother and sister in law came for a visit, and I got her addicted. Shooting those silly birds from a slingshot at pigs is kinda fun. I try not to play very often, because I can get sucked into a vortex and find myself three hours later still playing!

Anyway, as we sat there at the kitchen table taking turns, I came to a realization….. Angry birds is good therapy for my left hand. Using it to pull back that sling shot on the screen actually loosened up my hand and fingers. I wonder if I can get insurance to pay for the super eagle upgrade? I mean, it’s therapy, right? 😉

And on to other things… There is a chair in my folks living room that has been my bane since I got home. It is the first chair I got into when I got home from the hospital, and it is leather with an ottoman. It took me ten minutes to get out of it back into my wheel chair that first time. I almost didn’t make it, even with a slide board! Freaking chair!

So, the other night I joined the family in the living room to watch TV. Into that chair I got. No problem. I have progressed quite a lot with wheel chair transfers since I got home. This leather chair is not as slippery as the leather couches. So, after an evening of television, moving back and forth in that chair to stay comfortable, I got rubbed raw, on my tail bone!

Still that chair is my bane! Argh! I can’t lay down flat right now because, essentially, I have a freaking bed sore on my hind end. I can get in and out of that leather chair no
Problem now, but it still got me! That chair is just evil…… Freaking chair!

Well, that is about it for this blog, not really much, I know, but hey, not much to report!

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Pure unadulterated pleasure! (yes this is a PG rated post :)

I am sure that most of you have known someone, either disabled, elderly, or whatever that has had and used a shower or bath chair. Most of them are little curved seats that sit in the bottom of the tub or shower, and that is just what they tell you to do when your like me.

Let me tell you, it is just a bummer! The shower that my folks set up for me in the bathroom they made for me (yea, my folks are great. While I was in the hospital they remodeled a bathroom into a wheelchair friendly bathroom for me. Did I mention that they are great? You can see that bathroom in one of my videos) is a nice shower. I have a really nice shower chair they got for me. It has a backrest, is slides back and forth and locks in place. A quick plug for the place we got it from, Thrifty pharmacy and home medical in Providence, KY. Tom and the gang up there are great people. Go spend some money with them, you won’t be disappointed with the service!

Wow, I get off track easy, don’t I?

So, anyway, in my shower my folks put one of those shower head on a flex pipe thing so I can hold it in my hand while in my shower chair. Let me tell you, this makes for a totally non enjoyable shower experience! You know after a hard day, or a tough morning when it is hard to wake up, that nice hot shower wakes you up or eases away the pain in those tired muscles?

Try sitting in a chair, worried about slipping off into the floor, when you have no feet. And that’s another thing. I say I have no legs, but of course I do. Mostly I have no feet and calves. Off track again…. Argh! So, in the chair, only one hand with fingers to grip. Here is my shower experience.

Hose my body down, then set the spray head aside…

Lather up with soap….

Hose my body off, trying to get my hind in and everything else while sitting in a chair that I could slip off of…..

Pick up the nozzle again…..

Lather, rinse, repeat…..

I can’t just sit under the hot spray and let it wash my worries and else away like everybody else. When I lather and wash, no spray for me. I get cold while washing, damn it!

Well, I say can’t, but after yesterday, it’s couldn’t. The great people that did my physical therapy taught me to use and get on/off a shower chair into a TUB. We have two step in showers in the house, one of them in my bathroom, the other one in my folks bathroom. So, you know I can get around on the floor, right? Walking on my knees with knee pads, crawling on hands and knees, right?

Yea, you guessed it.!

I had a great freaking shower yesterday! I hands and knees my way into mom and dad’s shower yesterday. I couldn’t reach the shower knob, so mom had to turn on the water for me, but everything else was great! This shower is a tub length shower stall. I could stretch out and enjoy that wonderful spray. No holding the shower nozzle, no getting cold while I washed up, no worrying about falling out of a damn chair while I am trying to wash my hind end whilst sitting down.

I lay there on the floor of that shower, back leaned against the wall with all my muscles relaxed. I was as loose as a rag doll. I shampooed my hair like three freaking times! I am sure there was eye rolling in the house, as I was oohing and ahhing and singing the praises of flowing water as I lay there. Relaxed….. In a shower…. For the first time in four months!

It was in that moment, better than sex. Not as good as sex IN the shower, but you know what I mean, right?

I had to holler at mom a time or two to have her come and turn the hot water up. She would slide the door open enough to snake her hand in and turned that blessed nozzle. I sat in that shower until I ran all the hot water out of the entire house. Did I say it was great!?!?

Only one problem, though. The drain was right underneath me! I would have to check the height of the water, and upon occasion lift one leg or the other to let the water swirl down the drain….

Oh well, nothing is ever perfect!

I am going to ask dad to modify my shower so the flexy nozzle thingy can hang on the wall low, so I can sit in my shower and let the spray be at chest height!

If you can stand in your own shower (yeah, Jennifer, I am totally jealous of Clint’s catfish leg!) be thankful. Next time you step in, adjust the nozzle so it sprays away from you. Step in the spray, then out to wash. Get cold while doing it, then step back in the spray for a quick rinse than out again. You will get an idea what those who have challenges go through. And then be thankful.

If you are a challenged person, such as myself, get some one to help you out. If you have a step in shower where you live, try it. It is better than sex!

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And now for something you’ll really like…….

Rocky and bulwinkle reference in the title there……lol

Jodi just inspired me to write this after a FB comment she just left me. Props to her.. Reading enjoyment for you, aye?

When you live the life I now live, you have to have a sense of humor. So read on about the things I feel are hilarious about me now, and don’t you dare feel bad about laughing about poor lil ol’ handicapped me. 😀

First things first. The politically correct term for my cut extremities is “residual limbs”. Say it once or twice… Doesn’t really roll off the tongue like stumps does, does it? I am talking with my prosthetist (which, by the way I cant get to roll off of my tongue, so I call him my leg guy.. Try it out.. Leg guy is way easier, huh?) while getting fitted about the pc term. So he tells me while he was in school many moons ago they were really pushing the whole residual limb thing. A guy in his class, though, just couldn’t get it. He always said residual STUMPS… Hahahaha

Ok, so I think that is funny, anyway. Moving on.

All the goodies in our house reside atop our very tall and very nice fridge. Now, I am in a wheel chair, you dig? Now, I don’t want to name names, but someone in the house puts all the cookies, potato chips, pringles, (which are my favorite, btw) etc. Up there. Well, I won’t just name the name… But I will spell it backwards, and if you are crafty, which I know my readers are, you will figure it out. Here we go, backwards… M-O-M

Ok, no names named, right? Anyway, so there I am in the house, wanting to pop a top on my favorite snack, and they are on the top of the freaking fridge!!! The woman is just so cruel! I can see them, I just can’t reach them. So, I have this reacher thingy, and let me just say, it doesn’t grip pringles cans for nothing…. Ever been hit in the head with a pringles can? No fun. But at least I got my pringles. She is the pringles Nazi, really…. 🙂

Another thing you might think about. Flatulation (sp?). So, again I am in a chair, remember? Now at what height does that put my head, more importantly, my nose!?!? People drop air bombs and I am directly in the path of destruction! I can’t roll away fast enough, and then it tries to follow me! I experienced this several times in wal mart recently.

Hey that’s a really good price on…..

Sniff…. Sniff…… EEEEWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOO…… Roll, away… Roll away….

ARGH! It is following me to the housewares department!

Or, just rolling along and bam, right into one that is lurking behind an innocent stand of DVDs in electronics. Geez, wal mart shoppers, lay off all the high fiber and beans. Buy some gas-x, would ya?

Oh, and on the reacher thingy again… Ever try to pick up an ice cube off a new hardwood floor with one? I chased that damn cube across the floor for five minutes before I finally got it into the sink… I think I heard it softly crying “help me…. Help me… I’m melting…” serves the thing right, evading my grasp and making me feel like a fool…. Lol

Here is something you haven’t thought of. Ok, so I don’t have an index finger on my left hand anymore, right? And also, what’s left of my middle finger just tends to stick up straight if I am not thinking about it. Now, the muscles that controlled my index finger are still there, and I can flex them. So I can curl my non existent index finger up, leaving the middle one standing high and proud, and you don’t know I am flipping ya the bird! Ha! I SOOOOOOOOO love passive aggressive-ism. 😀

I am in a gun shop recently. The two women behind the counter are talking to each other. The older one is talking to the younger one like they are family. So, I ask the younger “Oh, is that you mom?”

Whoops….. Nope, it was her cousin, and not much older. I had had really put my foot in my mouth, metaphorically speaking. I kid you not, after hearing their exclamations I said without missing a beat “geez, if I had feet, I would be pulling them out of my mouth right now!”

Ask Wes, he was there. It was funny!

Recently my entire family had to go out of town for the day for a funeral. I was going to be home by myself. Mom was totally worried about me being home alone without anyone close by. Plus, what will i do to feed myself?

So they leave way early, and I don’t get up till much later. I roll into the kitchen, and low and behold, there is like three kitchen chairs pulled out, stacks of pre packaged food, chips, soda pop bottles and other things on the seats of those chairs. I just rolled my eyes and smiled. Mom made sure I had food within reach!

I have been getting around the house on knee pads recently. Well, mom and dad’s bathroom toilet stool is really low. I made my way in there, and just for fun, I thought I would see if I could go standing up on my knees. The house was empty, dad was gone running errands. So there I am, shirt pulled up and tucked under my chin, shorts pulled down below my butt cheeks like a little one learning to go and afraid he will miss and get his clothes…..(or like that one kid from south park lol)

I did it! Let me tell you, it was an emotional moment. I got done and start bawling like a baby. An angry, hungry baby. Big wracking sobs and loud wails of joy. The house was empty, I could indulge myself, right?

You know, my old man can be quiet when he wants to be…. I mean snake in the grass quiet. I am sobbing in front of their toilet, and from right behind me I hear, “son, are you all right?!?!?”

Darn it, I can’t even cry at the toilet all by myself. I really think I scared about a year out of my dad’s life when he walked through the side door of the house and heard me bawling away. I am such a mean child.

You know, I can’t remember wether or not I had my bare hind in covered when he came in to find me. O_o

Oh, hear is a quick funny. You know my blog post from yesterday, with the title being the lyrics to a great Beatles/Joe Cocker song? Well, guess what song my esteemed mother has been singing ALL MORNING? Yep, somebody has been reading my blogs…..lol

I hope that at least one moment whilst you perused this blog coffee, milk, OJ, or soda came snorting out your nose….. Serves you right for laughing at a guy wif no legs…. Hahaha

Laugh all you want, my friends…. I do. It keeps me sane!